What if Peter Molyneux and Kevin Butler, walked into a bar, sat down and began talking candidly about Kinect and Move? I imagine it would play out something like this:
Butler: Hey Pete, how’s that uh, that third grade science fair project coming… what is it (snaps finger and does the ‘pistol Pete point’) Kinex… Kix…. Kleenex?
Molyneux: “KinecT”, Kev, “KinecT” (with distinct emphasis on the “T”). It comes from Kinetic, as in constant motion, and coupled with “Connect” as in to be one with; unified. Kinex, is a toy from the 90’s.
Butler: (jumping in, rudely) – Yeah, that’s what I said… Kinex; the obscure toy.
Molyneux: (rolls eyes) It’s going well. There’s a huge industry buzz about it and apparently consumers and critics are feeling like it’s got a lot of potential. I’m definitely excited. We’ve got all sorts of stuff coming for it and we’re going to require that developers incorporate some method of inclusion to their titles.
Butler: That’s fantastic; nothing makes my job easier than one big fish in a small barrel. We’re not making up some fancy name for a simple action. It’s just “move”, because that’s how it’s used. And, Molyneux, you get excited about sand.
Molyneux: Sand! Sand is awesome, it’s textured, and it coats things and finds its way in to everything – I mean everything. I had sand in my underwear once, and it was uncomfortable, but that’s a life experience transferred to me by something so simple and small. It’s amazing. It’s really an integral part of the life experience. It’s also dense, and can be so many different colors. By itself innocuous, but in large numbers each grain can erode the mightiest of buildings. You can shape it when wet, throw it in someone’s eyes in a fight, or walk on it. Why, sand is something that I have put in Fable III as a interactive device. Players can bond with the sand, and make it part of their experience. It will change the way people play and think about –
Butler: Oh, Christ on a burning stick – PETER! Calm down – it’s only sand. Focus buddy, focus. You were about to concede and admit Move was better; please continue.
Molyneux: Right, sorry, wait, what? Move sounds… simple, not exciting. I think that Move was cool back when they called it the “Wiimote”. You’ve got what, a sports game with archery? Are you planning on another popular Home Space Elementary School playground for fist fights or P.E. with a gym teacher in boy shorts and a whistle, standing by as they watch a bunch of kids send arrows flying all over too?
Butler: Pete, I think you’re confusing the immature elitist attitude that runs rampant on LIVE with the elitist eccentric behaviors that run rampant on PSN Home. We don’t fist fight, we have hump trains and a BYOBM Theatre (Bring Your Own Bubble Machine). And yes, Move is simple, that’s kind of the point in both price and use. We’ll have a crowd for it. But it won’t be the crowd you’ll attract with that game… what was it “Kinectimals”. Who wants to pet a virtual Tiger? “Oh feel how pretty he is… I wonder if I can mount him too… HYA! Battle Cat, HYA!”. Again, little more than third grade with a virtual field trip to the yiffing zoo – woo hoo.
Molyneux: Does the Move have object and voice recognition? No. You move things around a screen with a glowing ball on a stick. I hope it comes with a pillow, you know, for when people get so bored they take a nap.
Butler: I’ll admit, it’s just moving stuff around. And yes, it comes with a “buyer’s remorse pillow”. We wanted to give players something to sit down on since they’ll have pawned the living room furniture to allot space to play with the Kinect; also, because of the price Kinect rapes them so regular chairs and couches aren’t comfortable anymore.
Our Playstation EYE has a 4 series array mic and a really impressive camera that has software to track moving objects already implemented and is rated as one of the best webcams over top of dedicated cams at three times the cost. We got over ourselves on that a few years back, so let me be the first to welcome you to 2006 in 2010.
Molyneux: We’re not just tracking objects Kev, we’re identifying objects. It’s like taking regular items in the real world and putting them in the game. We’re changing the way people think about gaming. It’s not about being controller-less, it’s about being boundless and moving forward in facet of games that hasn’t been fully explored. You’re just too shallow to notice and if we were raping people with the Kinect, we’d have shaped it like the Move. (Pauses)… Move, like as in a directive warning: MOVE, LOOK OUT!? (Chuckles, apparently by himself)
Butler: Coming from the man who just got hyped up and went on a nonsensical tangent over sand, forgive the inability to share your sentiment to such an extreme.
Reggie Fils-Aime: (turning around from a stool behind them) Will you both please shut. the fuck. up. I’ve been listening to you for the past 5 minutes now, and I hate to imagine what your consumers must think. I don’t even care what you do and I’m sick of hearing about it. You’re going on with this thinly veiled bravado bullshit, and it’s fooling NO ONE. Neither of you innovated anything here and can’t stand to admit it to yourselves, let alone each other; Molyneux, you can’t see the difference between the Playstation Move and the Wii. Butler, you can’t see the difference between the Kinect and a third grade mind set.
Here’s what I can’t see – I can’t see the difference between you two, a Wii and a third grader.
Congratulations Kevin, sharp poignant humor opened the eyes of many to the simplistic reality that Kinect isn’t going to attract the hardcore audience and far from being equipped to tackle the more delicate concerns therein. Likewise Molyneux did a stellar job of equating the approach of Sony looking to be in a safe bet market on things already done by comparing it to what the audience already feels is a rather broken approach while simultaneously going pointing out how the Kinect is headed in a different direction from the same starting point. So go ahead and shame each other for copying Nintendo, and remember next time you want to trash talk about how we’re out of touch with the audience in terms hardware, that you both just copied us. Get back to me when Sony has a handheld worth a shit and Microsoft has a device that doesn’t have a Wikipedia page dedicated to its critical and technical failures with derivative lawsuits. Now sit down, shut up, finish your ‘Shirley Temples’ and go do your fucking jobs.
